Grief, Loss & Love

On 24th Feb 2007, I lost my husband Bo after he battled with a brain tumour for ten years. The battle was not easy. He went through 5 brain operations, 2 chemotherapy treatments and 1 radiotherapy. Each time he showed courage, strength, hope and resilience. He taught me how to fight hard, to never give up and to live.

My husband filled more than just one role in my life. Following the loss of my husband, I realised I had lost much more, my friend, my lover, my peer, my co-stepparent, my confidant, my business partner, my travel companion, my date, and my soul mate. This loss created a vacancy in many roles that one very important person had previously filled. And no one person is going to be able to take the place of all the roles he filled.

Bo and I met when I was 19 years old and we bought our first house together 21. We got married when I was 25. We were a team and a family unit for over 12 years. Suddenly at 31 years of age I found myself alone facing the future with no one and no plan.

I survived the first few months busy dealing with the funeral in Dublin and organising his remains to be bought back to Hong Kong. In Hong Kong we had a second funeral, a traditional three-day Chinese ceremony for his family and finally found him a resting place in a temple near his home village where he grew up.

In Chinese tradition anyone who has had a death in the family are not to allowed to attend any celebrations for 100 days and as a widow you are not to remarry for three years. I kept to the tradition and in a way it allowed me space and time to come to terms with being a widow.

I did not know anyone who was widowed in my family and network of friends. I had no one to turn to who could advise or help me understand what I was going through. The grieving turned into depression, and manifested into mental health and physical health issues that I had to battle constantly for years. I was lucky I had supportive friends in Ireland that helped me through the journey.

I was living alone in Ireland, but as time went on, I yearned to be back home in the UK to be near my family, my parents, siblings, niece, and nephew. I eventually moved forward from my Dublin life which I had shared with my husband, and in 2014 on my 40th birthday I moved to London.

Moving forward was not the same as moving on, which implies all is forgotten, all can never be forgotten, moving forward is not without pain, or memory. Moving forward is simply taking everything before from your past and living in your present and being open to the future.

Many people have been impacted by grief and loss of a loved during this pandemic and I wanted to share this blog to let others know that grief does not get better in time. Despite those around you telling you so. It is something you learn to live with and there is support out there that can help you when you are ready. What thoughts, feelings, and actions you are going through are normal and it is your grief and your loss, your journey, so own it. You will find a way and you will find the strength to move forward.

You will learn to fall in love again with life by taking care of yourself, doing the things you love. For me I found love in running, yoga, personal development, the great outdoors and exploring the world. I love the people in my life, my family, and friends, especially those who were there for me and still play a part in my journey.

It is fourteen years since my husband passed away, I may not have found a new partner, but I am surrounded by love. I am happy with loving myself, my family, my friends, my home, my hobbies, my work, my health, my nights in, the great outdoors, nature, the sun, the sky, the rain, the snow and just being alive!

Love comes in many forms, the secret to happiness is to recognise them and be grateful for them. I am not alone. My late husband Bo is watching over me everyday and I am grateful for his love.